A Million Little Pieces...

So... It has been months, and months and months since I last wrote. Around 7 months I think. I was looking back through my blog and my second most recent post was from last New Years and was about the amazing year I'd had (2014) which at this point seems utterly ridiculous considering how much time has passed.

A fair few things have changed and at the same time not all that much has. I graduate in around three weeks, maybe less, and I got a 2:1 in my degree which I'm super proud of. I've just started my MA, which makes me chuckle often when I think about how much I complain about University and how much I swore I never wanted to write another essay ever again.

Between finishing my degree in May and starting my MA now I've been quite busy. For the first time in my life I have had an actual proper job and it was much less terrifying than I thought it would be. Throughout my entire life the prospect of working in an actual place of employment has filled me with a feeling that I can't even describe. My problem wasn't that I didn't want to work, it was just the awkwardness/working in boring jobs that filled me with terror. However for half a year I have been working and both of the jobs I have had during that time have been anything but scary. I have found that you have to grow a different type of thick skin in the work environment, but that once you have it you feel a real sense of accomplishment that's so different from the feelings that you've ever gained from education. Its a scary transition but not a wholly unpleasant one, and I can honestly say that I have grown so much and become so much more of an actual real life proper adult! (sort of) And now I am going back to University, and I'm working part time and I'm still blundering rather than sailing through life.

This past weekend Aisha and I made another Mars pilgrimage, the last one was to Switzerland which I made a post about at the time. I think I covered in that post how much Mars means to those who get it and so I'm not going to go into that whole soppy area again. However I will share a few photos and I just want to say that 30 Seconds to Mars are the best band in the whole world (in my humble opinion) and that no live show compares to theirs.

Anyway we flew to Madrid and did some sightseeing. We went into the palace which is absolutely MASSIVE, and really pretty and had a neb around there. We wondered around all over the place and discovered an entirely new, very beautiful city. It was so nice to spend time with Aisha and just chill out, it seems like forever since we did something like that and it was so much fun. On the first night we hunted down a McDonalds because it was so late, and even the memory of us trying to order food in a Spanish McDonalds makes me laugh. Literally I don't think I've ever laughed more. The concert was in a place called Getafe at a festival called Neox Rocks. I really enjoyed the festival, even though it was really small it was so hot and sunny and there was such good food and Mars were so amazing. I sang so much and danced so hard I thought several times I was going to collapse. Seeing Jared with his pink hair and white cape is always a treat, and just the sight of Tomo makes me so happy, he's such a cool cat. Shannon not being well enough to be there is a bummer, I feel so bad for the guy right now, but the show was just as amazing as it always is. If I could go to a Mars show every single night for the rest of my life I don't think I'd ever get fed up of it.

Madrid is such a nice city, there is such a chilled out atmosphere and the fact that people just hang out at night time is such a nice difference from the UK. Its so warm at night and so busy and well lit that you never feel uneasy or unsafe. Its so pretty and there is such a mixture of old and new buildings and everywhere is lined with trees. The parks are so beautiful, the type of park you could literally spend all day in by yourself and not feel like a lunatic or bored. Even though I love this time of year in England and I'm excited about my MA, I wish I'd been able to just stay on holiday there for like a year or something! Its trips like that that make me wish I could be travelling right now.

I filtered the shit out of those photos. Also Brenda is my alias in Madrid. Also words can't even express how much I thank god every day that Aisha is ma galdem. Literally like why am I so lucky to have found one of those one in a million friends?

It seems almost too predictable that the first post I would write after so many months would be about a trip to see Mars but to me that's a worthy post! I've been obsessed with several hundred things as per usual of course. But right now when I'm trying to think of them I can't... I'll get back to you on that one.

Ta ta for now home skillets! Peace and love dudes. x

P.s. I'm in love with all three of Aisha's cats and one day I'm going to sneak into her house and steal them for a week.

P.p.s. 'JUMP MOTHERFUCKER'

P.p.p.s My dream playlist 

The Rules For Being Amazing, by Robin Sharma

Risk more than is required. Learn more than is normal. Be strong. Show courage. Breathe. Excel. Love. Lead. Speak your truth. Live your values. Laugh. Cry. Innovate. Simplify. Adore mastery. Release mediocrity. Aim for genius. Stay humble. Be kinder than expected. Deliver more than is needed. Exude passion. Shatter your limits. Transcend your fears. Inspire others by your bigness. Dream big but start small. Act now. Don’t stop. Change the world.

                                                                                -

Something inside of me has completely snapped and it’s about bloody time. For practically my whole life I’ve been the doormat, I have an easy-going nature and people mistake that for stupidity a lot of the time. They think that because I wont mind if you bail on me at the last minute because you cant be bothered to get dressed that I wont care if you screw me over and treat me like crap. And what I’ve come to realise is that while being gentle and caring and easy-going are personality traits to treasure you have to grow a thick skin if you want to live the sort of life I’m striving for. Somewhere along the way I must have decided I’m worth something because I refuse to let people treat me like I’m not important.

I wouldn’t describe myself as someone who cares massively about what people think about me. I am a girl so there are plenty of times that I feel self-conscious, but I’ve never been afraid of making my hair bigger than a birds nest, or of wearing a crazy outfit that probably doesn’t match. Nor am I afraid to whack my hand in the air and tell people my opinion. But often the people closest to you are the ones who can put walls and barriers in your way, and most of the time they don’t realise they’re doing it. So this is my way of saying ‘get the fuck out of my way or I’ll trample on you.’

If I want to dye all my hair blue, or shave it all off, or tan myself orange, or walk around with face paint on, or have my body covered in skull tattoos, then I will. It’s my life and it’s my choice.

You’re free and you’re you, and no one, not your parents, or me or anyone can tell you what you can and can’t do. You’re one of a kind, there will never ever be another human being exactly the same as you and you should celebrate that. You have to keep pushing forwards because you’re an individual with your own ideas and opinions that are just as valid as anyone else’s. You’ve just got to keep going and not take any crap even when it’s easier to keep quiet.  And when people ask why you’re being defensive all of a sudden you explain kindly that you aren’t being defensive you’re simply not taking any of their shit, and that they don’t get to speak to you that way because you haven’t given them the right to, (even if you do feel like a psycho while telling them this).

What I’ve realised is that even people who are in positions of authority over you, your boss, your parents, a person who intimidates you, are all just human beings. And I think once you’ve realised that you’re truly free because no one will hold you back anymore, you empower yourself. If you act pathetic people will treat you accordingly, you have to go out there, hold your head high and show the world that you believe in yourself, that you have faith and that you are not to be messed around with. I’m tough and I’m strong and even though sometimes I’m panicky and scared, I’ll be buggered if I'll let it stop me from doing exactly what I want to do. Giving up is the saddest thing because even if it seems as if you’re fighting forever one day you’ll have won and it will be so worth it. Be the god of your world because you have the power to choose to do this or that, and no one else on this earth can make those choices for you. I believe we all have a purpose and a destiny, but we also have free will, and it’s our right to choose our lives, to fight for our paths and freedom and to make our lives what they are.

Its true that one day you feel like you could spit fire, and the next you question your very existence, but you have to just believe in yourself, have faith and keep fighting for what you want to do, because what I’m starting to realise is no one else will do it for you. Never ever let someone make you feel embarrassed or small for having a point to make, or for standing up for yourself, never let anyone make you feel as if you’re overreacting. There’s no such thing, if you feel a certain way it’s a feeling, not an overreaction and it should be voiced. You’re not being over-defensive; you’re just not taking any shit. We can make it, we just have to keep pushing forwards, and prove to ourselves that we are important, we are people with feelings that are just as valid as anyone else’s and one day we’ll say ‘well shit, we made it’ and every ounce of self-doubt and weakness will have been worth it.

Find the anchor that gives you faith and enables you to believe in yourself and never let it go. Never stop fighting for what you want and need and be kind in the process.

"One life, one love, live."

Switzerland, the land of fine wine, wealth, cheese, and chocolate… a neutral country split into three different cultures… a country where I saw Thirty Seconds to Mars for the third time at Paleo Festival in Nyon.

I packed my bag and hopped on a plane with my two best friends and before I knew it found myself in Geneva in torrential rain trying to find our hotel, wondering what on earth Jared Leto would think if he were to know what three crazy English girls were doing just to see a show. This was a trip I’d been waiting for since November (when I saw them last) and I was desperate for a Thirty Seconds to Mars fix, and the fact that The Black Keys were following Mars’ show was a bonus that was beyond anything I could have hoped for.

The Black Keys were something else… If you haven’t seen them live, do it! They sound identical to their records, and hearing them play is incredible, they are so talented and I literally had so much fun dancing around to their set. They played ‘Lonely Boy’ and we did the dance, and they played Fever, which was my favourite to hear live, I seriously love that song. Dan Auerbach is a rock god and his music is like heaven. I will definitely be going to see them when they come to England because their shows leave you feeling so happy and on cloud nine. I would honestly recommend anyone to go and see them live if they can, their music sounds so unbelievable live.

Paleo festival itself was such a pretty festival, so fancy and so colourful; I’ve never experienced anything like it. In England our festivals are so mucky and so trashy in comparison. Not that I’m necessarily complaining, there’s something comforting about trashy... I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a weird festival and place in general, I found it so different from what I had expected, and I found the fans at the festival so different as well. Switzerland is super expensive but so pretty, everywhere has mountains as a backdrop, and the Old Town in Geneva is so gorgeous. I could happily hang out in Old Town for a few months, it had such a chilled out vibe and I really didn’t want to come home. 

Going to this festival with my two best friends was the best decision in the world, they literally made this trip. I have honest to god never laughed so much in my whole life, I had tears streaming down my face the majority of the time we spent there, and I love them all the more for it. Being with people you love, for the band you love is to me what life is all about. We made some amazing memories and I will treasure those two girls for the rest of my life.

Now onto Mars: visualise, me sick with excitement, covered in glitter, sitting at the gate ready to run for our front row spot. We arrived at the festival at one in the afternoon, gates didn’t open until four but we wanted to be on the barrier for the show, we had barely slept, barely eaten anything, and we were buzzed. We met two Swiss girls who were absolutely mental in the best kind of way, they were so funny and so friendly, (as is in the Echelon’s nature), and we chatted about how much we love Shannon Leto, and how much of a cool cat Tomo is, and what our favourite Jared hair is… It was the best feeling to be with the Echelon, when you’re all together before a show, so excited and all on exactly the same page it makes you feel indestructible. They opened the barriers and we all ran for it (I almost died of embarrassment) but we got our place on the barrier right in front of the stage and that was all that mattered!

When you’re waiting for Thirty Seconds to Mars to come on stage there is a crackling energy in the air, like everyone has taken a collective breath and is waiting on the edge of a cliff to hear the first strings of ‘Birth’. And when you do, your mind goes blank and you start screaming without realising it, your body shakes and you’re grinning from ear to ear. Tomo literally is hands down the coolest guy in the world, he just always looks sick and he’s so freaking funny! Jared was there in all his splendour, rocking a crown and giving off the most incredible energy, and Shannon… oh my god, Shannon… We were all so happy to see him laughing and playing in his element where he belongs; it felt like such a gift to see all three of them together on stage playing and loving life. It gives so many people so much faith and motivation and during their set you leave earth and you float around in heaven. For me personally Kings and Queens and Closer to the Edge stick out the most, City of Angels made me want to cry - obviously – and Jared’s acoustic set was one of the best I’ve ever seen, even though it was short, his voice was so on point, so unbelievably good.

I have to complain a bit now… Never will you ever hear me complaining about Thirty Seconds to Mars, for me they are life, but the Swiss/French crowds are not something I want to experience again. During Mars’ final song, ‘Up in the Air’ Jared (as we all know) gets people from the crowd onto the stage, and obviously everyone goes mental because we all want a chance. Being at the barrier we had thousands of people behind us, and of course I expected to be crushed against it, its going to happen, but during ‘Up in the Air’ things got way too out of hand and I seriously couldn’t breathe. Girls were fainting left right and centre. Guys were bruising me and girls were climbing on top of me to get over the barrier even if Jared hadn’t picked them. At one point Jared even stopped and said to the crowd to stop and take two steps backwards, which shows you how out of hand things were when Jared usually asks the crowd to get cosier and take two steps forwards! At the time it felt like hell, but when I look back on it (all bruises aside) I wouldn’t change a second of it because I got to see Mars again and that is literally the most important thing. I don’t get a feeling of pure euphoria from anything else like I do from Mars and the show they played was amazing as always.

To so many Echelon Mars is so much more than just a band, and to a lot of people it’s hard to understand why. Okay so you seem a bit crazy when you travel all the way to Switzerland for a concert, but don’t knock it til’ you try it. I defy anyone to go to a Mars concert and not come away feeling so high and hyped. Jared reminds me every day to follow my dreams, no matter how small or huge they are, to keep going and to live life to the fullest, and to be happy and that’s so important. I don’t think it matters where you get that motivation from, but the Echelon find it in Mars and we are a family. I’m pretty good with words and I can’t sum up the way they make me feel. Its like knowing someone will be there for you no matter what, even if Jared, Shannon and Tomo were having a hard time themselves, they still go out almost every night and perform as if its their last show, they give us everything they’ve got and they are such an inspiration. So call me crazy, because I won’t care, I have Mars and they’ve got me and the people who get it are the ones who matter.

Thirty Seconds to Mars = life.

(Some photos I took, but the majority where taken by the Dweebo - Aisha El Tahlawi (the one with the brown hair) haha! So photocred to her.)